We’ve all sat through forgettable 1:1s.

The kind where nothing new is said, the conversation drifts into status updates, and both people leave wondering why the meeting even existed. Early in my career, I didn’t think much of them either. I was busy. My manager was busy. We talked every day about work, clients, priorities, and strategy, so when a 1:1 got canceled, it honestly felt… fine.

It wasn’t until much later, after I became a manager myself, that I realized how wrong that thinking was.

One on ones are not about efficiency. They’re not about project updates. And they’re definitely not meetings you cancel because “nothing urgent is going on.”

They are one of the most important tools you have as a manager, especially as an engineering manager, because they directly shape trust, growth, and long term team effectiveness, themes I explore more broadly in How to Build High Impact Engineering Teams.

Why 1:1s Matter More Than You Think

When I was an individual contributor, I didn’t fully appreciate 1:1s. I had deadlines, clients, deliverables, and another half hour meeting felt unnecessary. I already knew the strategy. I already talked to my manager all the time.

What I didn’t realize back then was this:
Those conversations were always about work.

What was missing was space to talk about me, my goals, frustrations, aspirations, motivations, and concerns. The things that rarely come up in team meetings, standups, or group settings.

As a manager, I now see 1:1s very differently. They are the only consistent forum where you can truly:

• Get to know someone beyond their output
• Understand what motivates them
• Learn what they value
• Build trust that isn’t tied to a sprint, incident, or deadline

Yes, alignment and execution matter. But fundamentally, a 1:1 is about understanding the person behind the engineer.

And if you don’t understand what makes someone tick, it’s very hard to help them grow or to keep them engaged long term.

1:1s as a Trust-Building Tool

Your technical credibility as an engineering manager is built in many places, architecture discussions, design reviews, and the kinds of questions you ask in team meetings.

But trust around how much you care, how much you have someone’s back, and whether you’re invested in them as a person is built primarily in 1:1s.

Your team reads a lot about you based on how you run these meetings:

• Do you cancel them often?
• Do you listen or multitask?
• Do you follow up on what they share?

For many people, 1:1s are where they decide whether their manager genuinely cares or is just going through the motions.

First Rule: Don’t Miss Your 1:1s

If there’s one hill I’m willing to die on as a manager, it’s this:

Do not miss your 1:1s.

Of course, unavoidable things happen. Emergencies come up. People are on vacation. In those cases, I try very hard to reschedule within the next day or two.

But canceling 1:1s because things are “busy” sends a very loud signal, whether you intend it or not.

Work will always be busy. Busyness is an excuse you can justify endlessly.

For most of my team, I run biweekly 1:1s. If someone is new, either to the company or to my team, I’ll often meet weekly for a while to get a better pulse and build rapport. Over time, every other week has worked best for me.

I’ve seen teams schedule weekly 1:1s only to cancel every other one. That creates uncertainty. No one knows whether the meeting will actually happen. If biweekly is the real cadence, make it explicit and stick to it.

Consistency alone will get you halfway to effective 1:1s.

I’ve had multiple people join my team and tell me they appreciated how consistent our 1:1s were, often because their previous managers didn’t prioritize them.

Start Light — Always

One common mistake is jumping straight into work.

There’s a temptation to use the time to talk about projects, deadlines, and issues that are already top of mind. I try very hard not to do that, at least not at the start.

I always begin my 1:1s lightly.

• How was your week?
• Did you do anything interesting over the weekend?
• How’s that trip you mentioned last time?
• How are your kids doing?
• How’s school going?

These details may not directly impact work, but they absolutely impact relationships.

You don’t need a script or a hidden agenda. Just be present. Be curious. Remember things. Follow up.

That’s how bonds form.

You don’t have to be someone’s best friend. But if you don’t enjoy talking to people as people, people management may not be the right role, at least not yet.

Share About Yourself Too

Connection is a two way street.

You can’t expect people to open up if you treat the conversation like an interrogation. If you never share anything about yourself, you’ll come across less like a manager who cares and more like a lawyer gathering information.

For that window of time, I try to show up as a person first.

I don’t think of the other person as “someone who works for me.” I think of them the same way I’d think about someone I just met at an airport or a friend I’m catching up with.

That mindset shift changes the entire tone of the conversation.

How I Structure My 1:1s

After the initial connection, I loosely think of my 1:1s as having two parts.

1. Day to Day Work and Execution

This is where we talk about:

• What they’re working on
• How things are going
• What they’re enjoying
• What’s frustrating them
• Where they’re stuck
• How I can help

This gives them space to surface challenges they may not raise elsewhere, and it gives me insight into what kinds of work energize or drain them.

2. Growth, Feedback, and Development

This part is more long term in nature:

• Giving and receiving feedback
• Career goals, short term and long term
• Progress toward the next level (if that’s what they want)
• Skills they want to build
• Areas to focus on improving
• Courses, mentorship, or new opportunities

This is not a rigid 50/50 split.

Some weeks we’ll spend most of the time on execution. Other weeks we’ll focus almost entirely on growth. Some meetings might not touch one of these at all, and that’s okay.

What matters is that over time, both areas get consistent attention.

Feedback Only Works If You Acknowledge It

One of the fastest ways to break trust in a 1:1 is to collect feedback and do nothing with it.

When someone gives you feedback, a few things can happen:

• It’s fully within your control
• It’s partially within your control
• It’s completely outside your control

All three require acknowledgment.

If you can act on it, do so, and share the outcome in a future 1:1.
If you can’t fully act on it, explain why and look for workarounds.
If you can’t act on it at all, say that clearly and honestly.

What should never happen is silence.

A 1:1 should never feel like a place where people speak up and nothing comes of it.

Using 1:1s to Bubble Feedback Upward

Another often missed benefit of 1:1s is collecting upward feedback.

People have opinions, about culture, leadership decisions, technical direction, and organizational changes. They’re rarely comfortable sharing those thoughts in group settings.

1:1s are where you’ll get the most honest input.

Even if the feedback is about leadership above you, it’s still your responsibility to listen, filter, and pass it along through the right channels. Acting as that bridge is part of the job, and it’s something your team will notice.

Why 1:1s Matter Even More in Remote and Hybrid Teams

In a remote or hybrid world, 1:1s become even more critical.

I naturally see some of my on site team members, in hallways, before meetings, or during casual conversations. That doesn’t happen with remote employees.

For them, the 1:1 may be the only consistent space for real connection.

If you don’t invest there, you’re starting at a disadvantage.

Final Thoughts

Great 1:1s don’t require fancy frameworks or perfect agendas.

They require consistency, presence, and genuine curiosity about the people you manage.

If you show up regularly, listen actively, follow through on feedback, and treat people like people, not just resources, you’ll be surprised how much trust and impact you can build over time.

Your Turn

How do you run your 1:1s?

What’s worked well for you, and what hasn’t?
Are there questions or formats you’ve found particularly effective?

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Share your experience, and let’s learn from each other.